Saying "I love you" for the first time in a relationship is usually a big deal, right?  Perhaps more so for women, as we are so emotionally tied to words, their meanings, their timing - we constantly look for the bigger or hidden meanings in what our partners say.  For men, they just say what they mean when they mean to say it, don't they?  It has taken me many years to turn down that "interpretation dial" and learn to ask for clarification when my ego jumps to conclusions.  The ego is a little monster sometimes.  Mine is equal parts insecurity and fantasy, which can lead to some wild interpretations.

As my mother will readily tell you, I have a big heart.  A big ol' achy breaky heart.  I recall once as a child, when my dog got hit by a car, begging god to take my life instead of hers.  I've cared for sickly orphaned kittens and rescued insects from watery deathbeds.  I once stayed with a dragonfly as it died of natural causes on the bank of a river.  It was very likely unaware that I was there, it seemed to just be holding onto anything stable for dear life, but I thought my presence was a comfort as it passed from this world. I am a lover and a fighter - I fight for love and have been known to love to fight, but that's a story for another day.

So for the first time in my life, a man beat me to the magic "I love you" moment.  That moment is one I usually take weeks (okay, who am I kidding?  days) to plan: the look on my face, how I will look him in the eye, what I will be wearing, how my hair will be, what scent to wear, etc. Well, I didn't even get to pick a scent to wear (I am firm believer that scent holds memory, so the perfect scent is ESSENTIAL to this moment) before he just let "it" go.  "It" went like this.  We had been video chatting, as we normally do a few times a week, and were winding down our conversation, talking of our plans for tomorrow and preparations for bed.  He was talking with a sideways glance at whatever he was fiddling with on his desk, a little bouncy as he sat (he's always moving), and then he looked right into my eyes, said "Well, Nichole, I love you, sleep well, and we'll talk again tomorrow, okay?"  I was both elated and awestruck.  I said nothing.  The rest of his words were drowned out by my inner dialogue, reeling with debates about "did he say that?", "I can't believe he did it so casually!", "should I say it now?", "he said it first?!".  I managed to pull it together, smugly (or so I thought) and signed off without specifically regarding his statement, as though a major mile-marker had not just been established in our relationship.  It occurred at 10:23 on 3/23/2012.

I slept the sleep of a queen that night.

I woke up and sighed the sigh of sighs.  Skype has this sound effect when you sign off - a very content yet slightly sad-to-be-going sigh:  wh-Aaaaaaaaah.  It was perfect when we signed off that night, perfect when I fell asleep, perfect when I woke up alone but loved.  I felt the same way after the first time Edy and I Skyped.  wh-Aaaaaaaah.  I still feel that way about him - very content yet slightly sad-to-be-so-far-away.  Having heard him say "well, I love you, Nichole" made me feel closer...and in control.  My bleeding heart isn't going to make such a mess this time. 

I have no idea when I am going to tell him in person that I love him too. I want to say it in his native Spanish, as I know the different effects the sounds of the words have in my English or his Spanish.  In the middle of a text session yesterday, I did stop him, caught him a little off guard, texted "sabes que/you know what?" He responded: "manda/send it" and "dime/tell me" - so I told him "te quiero tambien/I love you too".  Without missing a beat he wrote: "I know, I've taken notice, chula, and that is why you are more beautiful than ever." 

I think I may have met my match.